Day 4: Wednesday, 13. February 2013

So all the online people and books tell me I should be over the moon today, but I'm not: I'm cranky and bored, and even the signs of detoxification are gone. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that today is Ash Wednesday – the day of the year that millions of other people worldwide start their fasting period. I hope that tomorrow's special event, Valentine's Day, does something similar to me, but I think I will break the fast tomorrow afternoon or night. I can do another night today, but I don't think I want two more of these sleepless nights full of self-doubt and fucked up dreams.

During this cleanse, the evenings are truly terrifying experiences where I get to meet the worst sides of myself. I'll spare you the glimpse into the abyss of my mind. Maybe all this means my mind is detoxing, as well?

The mornings are filled with yoga, tea and work, the afternoons with a little more work and lots of relaxing: absolutely easy, but I start feeling a little numb. As I get ready to meet a friend in town, I catch my reflection in the mirror: does my skin seem much clearer, my eyes a lot brighter? Or is that just the expensive Clinique cream I recently (stupidly) splurged on? Usually, I put on a little make up when it's for going somewhere fancy or evening entertainment. Today, I skip it. I feel energetic, happy, accomplished, ready to take on the world. Not all is great, though: I'm still really cold today, but not as much as yesterday, and I've been strangely bloated all day, although I didn't eat anything that could cause it. Except... that I've been drinking too much, and way too fast to keep the evil monsters away that tell me that I want to eat. Not need to, want to.

After a cup of tea and a depressing Chilean movie (during which my stomach is so loud the woman next to me stares at me) with the best Porteño in town, the unthinkable happens again: I eat an onigiri, not because I'm hungry, but because eating is fun and that Argentine guys is just so wonderfully convincing.

A few grams of rice and seaweed, is my cleans spell now broken? My stomach seems happy now. My tastebuds? Somehow, it's not a rewarding experience. People speak of 'heigthened senses', but the rice just tastes like nothing.

(Note to self: don't buy any more onigiri in London, they're all crap. Make your own or stick to Japan, or at least Düsseldorf Japantown.)

I get back home around 10 pm and keep reading until... 3 am. Still not really

tired, I force myself to go to sleep. Definitely not over the moon.